Do We Grieve Differently When Someone Is Watching?

Has the way we grieve or express pain moved from a personal space of healing to a digital call-out? In the new social order, as a holistic wellness practitioner and guide, I have come to realise that we spend a lot of energy curating a grief template on social media for others to validate our feelings and acknowledge the loss.

An uncomfortable question: How has remembrance become a performance? Someone dies, and within hours, social media becomes a memorial wall. An old photograph appears on Instagram. A black-and-white portrait becomes a WhatsApp status. A tribute reel is set to their favourite song. You’ll see “RIP”, and even those who don’t want to engage are still writing. FOMO! Not to forget the emojis!

What about the grief of losing someone who is still alive?The friend who stopped calling. The marriage that ended long before the divorce papers. The relationship that slowly disappeared into silence. The person you once knew everything about is now a stranger on your contact list. No funeral for these losses. But the transition is certainly painful.

No condolence gathering. No ritual. No prescribed period of mourning. I often wonder whether it is a healing or a distracting mechanism. A photograph from happier times. A song with carefully chosen lyrics. A quote about betrayal. A story about letting go. A cryptic status message. And then we wait. Who saw it? The game of anxiety continues and pain multiplies. Most of the time, the post is a last attempt to be held by someone who has already let go. If ‘that’ person hasn’t seen or responded to your post, doesn’t that create a bigger trigger? Then why do it? I often ask this question of people who approach me for guidance and hand-holding.

But in my experience, healing slowly begins when we stop measuring it by the other person’s response.

Vulnerability is not weakness.

There is nothing wrong with sharing sorrow. As an NLP practitioner, I feel that when emotion becomes content for an audience, and we seek validation, every response to the content makes us relive the pain or anxiety. When a relationship ends, we often don’t just lose a person. We lose a version of ourselves.

For some, writing in a diary or publicly can give shape to an emotion that otherwise feels impossible to articulate. To each their own. Share it if sharing helps you breathe a little easier. Write it. Talk about it. Cry about it.

The residue of Covid-19 still lingers on social media. A tribute honours a life beautifully. But when grief becomes a public display, inadvertently drawing others into it, or showcasing the depth of our loss, it quietly moves away from just a remembrance.

Healing comes when we are internally ready to release. Not every feeling can be uploaded; Letting go means accepting that the person may never know how much you suffered. It’s time to move forward with grace and your quiet confidence, being a stronger version of yourself.