Have you ever reached a long-awaited milestone, such as excelling at an exam, securing that dream job, or earning the promotion, and still felt… empty? I’ve been there. There have been moments in my life when I achieved exactly what I aimed for, yet the sense of fulfilment I expected simply didn’t appear. Instead, I felt hollow, even confused. Wasn’t this supposed to bring me happiness?
In those moments, it’s easy to start questioning yourself. Am I being ungrateful? Shouldn’t I feel more proud or excited? But perhaps the more important question is this: Is conventional success truly the key to fulfilment?
In most modern societies, success is still widely equated with tangible achievements such as wealth, status, accolades, and productivity. Our extrinsic goals are targets rooted in external validation rather than internal meaning.
What is your measure of success?
This model of success isn’t inherently flawed. Financial security and recognition can matter. But when pursued without alignment with intrinsic values, they often lead to psychological distress. A longitudinal study of American college students found that prioritising extrinsic goals was associated with greater anxiety and lower well-being.
Moreover, in workplaces, people often chase promotions not because they align with their values, but because they’re symbols of progress, reflecting their success. This can create a performance-obsessed identity, one that is disconnected from authenticity and personal meaning.
In our relentless pursuit of conventional success, we can fall into the trap of toxic productivity, a state where the drive to be constantly productive leads to detrimental effects on mental and physical health. This phenomenon is characterised by an obsessive need to work, often at the expense of personal well-being and rest.
Recent research underscores the profound impact of overworking on brain health. A study published in Occupational and Environmental Medicine revealed that individuals working more than 52 hours per week exhibited structural changes in brain regions associated with executive functions, such as decision-making, memory, and emotional regulation. These alterations suggest that excessive work hours may lead to neuroadaptive responses to chronic stress, potentially resulting in reduced emotional stability and cognitive performance (Lee et al., 2025).
Furthermore, the pressure to succeed can cause ongoing dissatisfaction. Many people feel relief rather than pride when they achieve something, especially in professional environments, because of a deep-seated fear of failure and the belief that success simply means meeting expectations. Clinical psychologists such as Dr. Chu Hui Cha and Dr. Jessica Rohlfing Pryor explain that this mindset often stems from a perfectionist or critical upbringing, where success was expected but rarely acknowledged. This emotional pattern can result in lasting dissatisfaction and a lowered sense of self-worth.
Finding a balance between our environmental and internal needs isn’t simple. At the heart of it lies a mismatch between what society defines as success and what our nervous system has evolved to value.
Stressing your nerves?
Our nervous system wasn’t built for boardroom battles or social media milestones. It evolved in environments where connection, safety, and purpose were more important than constant comparison or competition. But today, from a young age, we’re taught to race, be it for the highest grades, the most prestigious jobs, or the next promotion. It is in this race that we often become hooked on external validation. One goal leads to the next, and soon we’re chasing success for the sake of it, not because it’s aligned with who we truly are. According to Dr Chu Hui Cha, a California-based clinical psychologist, bouncing from one achievement to another can lead us to feel that nothing feels “good enough” and “nothing you do feels good, and you’re always looking to aim higher, up the ante in terms of successes and achievements.”
Thus, in this process, it is easy to lose sight of our values. We might sacrifice authenticity in the name of ambition, and slowly, our achievements start to feel disconnected from our inner selves. That disconnection is what often leaves us feeling unfulfilled, even at the peak of our accomplishments.
So, what do we need to feel fulfilled? What helps us not just survive, but thrive?
We can start by tuning into what our nervous system is wired for:
Connection
We are profoundly social beings. Social relationships regulate affective states and reduce stress. For instance, cortisol levels drop significantly in the presence of supportive relationships. Physical touch and emotional closeness can trigger the release of oxytocin, a hormone that promotes feelings of trust and well-being. Additionally, social support has been shown to alleviate psychological distress and enhance life satisfaction.
Altruism for self or others?
Giving back stimulates the brain’s reward circuits. Acts of generosity, including prosocial spending, have been consistently linked to increased happiness. Altruism doesn’t just feel good; it’s neurologically rewarding.
Autonomy
Feeling in control of our decisions improves mental well-being. Deci and Ryan (2000) demonstrated that autonomy-supportive environments encourage intrinsic motivation, enhance performance, and promote long-term psychological health. Evolutionary studies indicate that autonomy has been vital for human development and adaptability.
The ongoing struggle between pursuing goals we believe we want and our nervous system signalling that something is lacking can lead to misalignment in our daily actions. This may result in a cumulative strain on our nervous system known as ‘allostatic load.’ This accumulated burden of chronic stress and life events occurs when environmental challenges surpass the individual’s ability to cope.
What can we do?
Understanding what our nervous system is truly wired to thrive on enables us to redefine success in more aligned and sustainable ways. We can intentionally include moments of fulfilment in our pursuit of achievement, whether it’s by using a bonus or promotion to support a meaningful cause, or by choosing to collaborate deeply with others on a shared academic project. The way you decide to reshape success and the route you take to achieve it is entirely personal. However, what’s crucial is recognising that lasting fulfilment doesn’t come from chasing society’s version of success. It comes from honouring what your mind and body need and forging your own path.
Authored by:
Muskaan Grover: Upcoming Young India Fellow at Ashoka University, currently working as an Associate Consultant. Holds an undergraduate degree in Psychology from FLAME University, Pune.
Dr Moitrayee Das: Assistant Professor of Psychology at FLAME University, Pune.
